Power Rankings III

The first round of divisional play is in the books and it's time to see who's left standing. It's been watching teams beat each other up to try to get a foothold on a playoff spot. I think everyone should have a good idea of where they stand as we hit the stretch run and what they need to do to have a shot at the crown. As we're all still trying to feel each other out (out, not up, Paul), it'll be interesting to see what kind of deals get done in the next few weeks.

1. Setauket Horde (Last Ranking: 2)

• The Horde's march to the top is complete. Looking at his roster, I still have no idea how this is possible. It has to be battlefield leadership and that great fantasy baseball equalizer, intangibles.
  

2. Simpsonville Slayers (1)

• The Slayers have fought their way through the Cool Papa gauntlet and emerged still holding onto the division lead. They know it's not over yet, so it's a good thing Mauer's finally back in the fold.
  

3. Ninth Street Nine (5)

• Roy Halladay is back at the front of a talented young rotation and the 1300+ HR bats of Bonds & Griffey have come alive behind one of the most underrated right side of the infield combos in the league, Casey Kotchman and Kelly Johnson. No doubt, the Big Ticket is back.
  

4. Westphalia Shepherds (4)

• Finally had a shot at Setauket and came up a bit short, but there's another mano-a-mano down the line. Until then, the Shepherds will continue taking out their frustration on the rest of the league and trying to lock up at least a Wildcard.
  

5. Nassau Chin Music (3)

• Nassau is still the home of the biggest lead in the league thanks in large part to the unexpected offense of Carlos Pena and Hunter Pence. And Jose Reyes is pretty good, too.
  

6. Mattituck Natives (9)

• In what experts thought would be a hotly contested division, the Natives have started to put some distance between themselves and the field. Bad news for the rest of the Paige now that Magglio may finally be getting some help as Manny should start heating up and Billy Butler looks like he's going to be getting a legit chance to rake in the bigs this go-around.
  

7. Shaolin Empire (7)

• Statistically, the best team in the league BY FAR. Too bad they can't actually beat anyone. Finally came up big in battle with Bay Ridge to take control of the Larry Doby Division. Still, getting over crushing by Coram (Coram!) will take years of therapy. I hear Dr. Melfi is taking on new clients.

8. Hampton Bay Bambinos (6)

• The up and down season by the Bay continues as the stumbling Bambinos stuck it to the streaking Nine to bring them right back into the thick of the Cool Papa. I'm thinking it's Go Time for $31 million duo Howard and Soriano.
  

9. Pequash Panters (10)

• The Panthers just keep chugging along under the radar, but after serving notice during divisional play, they are lurking in the shadows of the Doby, ready to pounce.
  

10. Bay Ridge Wapdagos (8)

• First, congratulations to owner Frankie Wilders and his new bride. Losing the divisional lead is not the best wedding present he received, but welcome to married life, pal. And because Frankie was upset that his boy Justin Morneau never gets a mention, here you go: that had to be the absolute pussiest slide into home ever. Good one, MVP.
  

11. North Babylon Generals (18)

• Number 11 with a bullet. I said from the jump that this was a team to watch and they're not disappointing. The combo of a dedicated owner and star players waiting to break out still make a playoff spot a possibility.
  

12. Browntown Fudge Dragons (13)

13. Riverhead Red Streaks (14)

• Okay, so Clemens hasn't been the savior and the Chipper Jones blockbuster trade hasn't exactly shot them up the standings, but there's something to be said for treading water. They're not out of it yet.
  

14. Kohler Toilet (17)

• As disappointing as Pujols has been (for $19 million), Andruw Jones has been even worse. Still, the Toilet are getting better each week thanks to strong years by C.C. Sabathia and Adam Dunn. When all is said and done, being in the same division as the mighty Horde and Shepherds might be too much to overcome.
  

15. New Libertatia Swashbucklers (11)

• The company line was always that they were building for the future, but it looked like they might klong up for a run this year. This 4 spot tumble shows they may have been overreaching a bit. Though having Johan means they're never out of any race.
  

16. Ridge Ducks (15)

• I never know what to expect from this team. They're not bad on paper, but games aren't played on paper. Although this is fantasy baseball, so in one sense, games are played on paper. Like I said, I have no idea what to expect from the Ducks. Quack.
  

17. Laurel Leathernecks (16)

• At this point, if the Commish makes it through the season in one piece, he can count it as a success. The stress of running a Super League has taken its toll on the formerly happy-go-lucky Trader Tom (though his craptastic OF isn't helping either).
  

18. Philadelphia Kane Nines (12)

• Statistically, the worst team in the league. They've managed to put together all of 2 Steals and -17 Wins. That said, their wheelin' & dealin' GM has picked up some pretty good young talent that sets them up nicely for the long haul. And ownership can't be too unhappy that they're selling out every one of super prospect Homer Bailey's home starts.

19. Coram Crushers (20)

• Let's give them some credit. They showed a lot of heart in recent weeks and haven't given up on what has been one fugly season. There's some work to do for next year, but they're really not that far away.

20 St. Olaf Dutch Ovens (19)

• There's a lot to work with here even though nothing seemed to work this year. The few fans that still show up seem to do so for the sole purpose of chanting "David Price! David Price!"
  

Happy Father's Day

ATHLETES WITH ILLEGITIMATE KIDS

THE HEAVYWEIGHTS
Shawn Kemp - 7 illegitimate kids by 6 women. Gives his nickname of the Reign Man new meaning.
Evander Holyfield - 9 illegitimate kids. "Heck I'm not even mad, I'm impressed!"
Ex-San Antonio Spur Willie Anderson - 9 illegitimate kids. If only his field goal percentage had been as high as his impregnation rate.
Derrick Thomas - 7 illegitimate kids by 5 women. He died at 33. Let's just leave it at that.
Ray Charles - Not an athlete, but still had 9 illegitimate kids and 12 total, which is quite impressive. Being blind must have made it tough to get that condom on.
UPDATE: Don't know how we missed this - thanks to a reader for pointing this out to us - Calvin Murphy reportedly had 14 illegitimate kids by 9 women. Wow.

THE MIDDLEWEIGHTS
Larry Johnson - 5 kids by 4 women. 3 are illegitimate.
Santonio Holmes - 3 illegitimate kids by two women, before leaving college.
Former Celtic Greg Minor - 3 illegitimate kids.
Ricky Williams - 3 illegitimate kids. Maybe that's why he smokes so much weed.
Priest Holmes - 3 illegitimate kids. You best keep running Priest.

THE LIGHTNING FAST GROUP
Willis McGahee - 3 illegitimate kids in 2 years in Buffalo. Not a lot to do in Buffalo, except make babies. Lots and lots of babies.

THE GUYS YOU WOULDN'T EXPECT GROUP
Walter Herrmann
Peja Stojakovic
Wizards Coach Eddie Jordan
NHL player Daniel Alfredsson
NHL player Richard Zednik
Mike Miller

THE FAMOUS OLD GUYS GROUP
Steve Garvey - 2 illegitimate kids by 2 women.
Dr. J - 2 illegitimate kids by 2 women.
Larry Bird
Isiah Thomas
Jim Palmer
Pete Rose

THE GETTING A HEAD START GROUP
Gary Sheffield - Had 2 illegitimate kids by age 17. Added a few more later on in life.

THE THAT'S JUST WRONG GROUP
Elijah Dukes - recently impregnated a 17-year-old foster child.

THE QB KIDS GROUP
Matt Leinart - already has one, my guess is he's working hard on another.
Tom Brady - his is on the way.

GUYS WITH AT LEAST ONE ILLEGITIMATE KID
Antawn Jamison
Chipper Jones
DeShawn Stevenson
Cliff Floyd
Mark Messier
Brian Urlacher
Rae Carruth - Yes, he fathered an illegitimate kid before the incident where he had his pregnant girlfriend gunned down.
Oscar De La Hoya
Juan Gonzalez
Andre Rison
David Justice
Alonzo Spellman
Dave Meggett
Gary Payton - If the glove doesn't fit...
Stephon Marbury
Jason Kidd
Allen Iverson
Latrell Sprewell
Juwan Howard
Kenny Anderson
Scottie Pippen
Hakeem Olajuwon
Patrick Ewing
Randy Johnson - by reader request. We missed him.

Thanks to 100% Injury Rate.

The Hat's Not Fooling Anyone, Bub

Click here and check out the URL (address) of the page.

If you don't get it, click here and think about it.

(Thanks to FireJoeMorgan.com for the scoop.)

Get This Man A Plaque

Bert Blyleven has 287 career wins and 3700 Ks, yet is continually denied election into the Hall of Fame.

Maybe now he can get the respect he deserves.

A message from the GM of the Bay Ridge Wopdagos

A meesage from the GM of the Bay Ridge Wopdagos

It's been a while since a press release came out, so it's time for one. And no, this has nothing to do with the latest power rankings that have come out (we'll get to those also.)

This has to do with the latest incident involving one of our superstars, third baseman Alex Rodriguez (A-Rod to the little folk.) The New York Post is reporting today that he was photographed entering a strip club in Toronto with an unidentified blonde woman. Apparently, this woman in the photo is not his wife, but a white-trash whore (can I say whore? Sure...why not?) for likes it both ways. Of course, there is no complaint if a woman goes both ways from this general manager (as long as I get to videotape it.) Here in the general manager's office, while we do not agree with his actions, understand that it is his choice to go get some. We wish him well and hope he doesn't pull a Kobe.

The power rankings that have just came out has irked the office and sparked interest (in what, I don't know.) It is amazing that this team has been able to put together a powerhouse team on such little pitching talent. The fact that the league keeps overlooking this fact and harps on this team having Rodriguez only is troublesome. How can you forget the reigning American League MVP, Justin Morneau? After a brief slump, he has gone back to completely and utterly destroying the ball. And before he went on the DL, the STEAL (self thinking) of the draft, Shawn Hill? What he doesn't have in record (I blame the Nats), he makes up in ERA, K's, WHIP, etc.

With Jon Lester on the horizon and Howie Kendrick back to his old dominant .OPB ways, this team will be a formiable one to deal with. I hope that everyone in my division (yes, you read that right, MY DIVISION) will be prepared to be slug it out.

In other news, the Bay Ridge Wopdagos would like to announce that they are currently looking to trade Juan Pierre. Pierre was quoted as saying, "Ryan Church is better then me? YIKES! GET ME OFF THIS TEAM!" E-mail the team office for any interest.

Thanks and regards,
the GM of the Bay Ridge Wopdagos

Power Rankings II

1. Simpsonville (Last Ranking: 4)

• The double spark of the return of co-owner Mike Trudeau from the backwoods of Georgia and the awakened bat of David Wright have shot this team to the top of the heap. And they still don't have Joe Mauer back.
  

2. Setauket (5)

• Torii Hunter turning it up and looking like a late-round steal. But if they're going to hold on to first place, it's going to come down to the golden arm of Brian Bruney.
  

3. Nassau (3)

• Hanging steady in the 3 spot, and with a 16.5 game lead they may just take the rest of the summer off. But remember, half the playoff stats will be cumulative, so let up at your own risk.
  

4. Westphalia (10)

• Forget the wild card, the Shepherds are stalking the Horde for the Gibson crown--which would look at home on Prince's head.
  

5. Ninth Street (1)

• Slipped 4 spots and, more importantly, 6 behind the Slayers. Giambi's verbal implosion not helping an already tense clubhouse.
  

6. Hampton Bay (2)

• After a mini-slump (and some maxi-whining), the Bambinos turn it up just in time for the Rankings. Just check out their pretty mug at the top of the League web page.
  

7. Shaolin (6)

• Although ranked 2nd in the YTD point totals, they continue to just under-perform enough. Bats starting to come alive led by Nick Swisher.
  

8. Bay Ridge (7)

• Looking like the Doby is going to go back and forth all year. Come crunch time, putting all their eggs in ARod's basket may not be the best strategy.
  

9. Mattituck (8)

• The forgotten division leader, just sort of hanging in there despite no one really stepping up as a team leader. Billy Butler was ready yet, but Manny's bat is waiting in the shadows to join Magglio.
  

10. Pequash (18)

• Number 10 with a bullet. Hot off a big win last week, they're hot on Mattituck's heels as the Paige might turn into a dogfight down the stretch.
  

11. New Libertatia (14)

• The kids are alright. The baby Swashbucklers are aiming for a seat at the adult table this fall. And keep in mind, they do have Johan Santana.
  

12. Philadelphia (9)

• A tub-thumping by the New Lib and the injury to new closer Brett Myers don't making for a festive 3-day weekend in the City of Brotherly Love. Don't be surprised if another trade is already in the works.

13. Browntown (15)

14. Riverhead (12)

• The Reds are trying, but still haven't been able to fit all their pieces together. The Thome injury hurts and the Encarnacion demotion didn't help. When will the Rocket launch?
  

15. Ridge (20)

• Fifteen may not look like much, but considering where they were last time it's time for them to pop the cork on the Cold Duck. The trade for Zito shows their still in it to win it.
  

16. Laurel (13)

• The Commish still treading water. We all know he has a nefarious plan up his sleeve, but when will he unleash it? Maybe he's waiting to grow in his villainous mustache so he can twirl it and laugh maniacally in our faces? Or not.
  

17. Kohler (11)

• Recent 10-2 loss to St. Olaf says it all. Pujols still making $19 million.
  

18. North Babylon (16)

• The future is now as top 2 prospects Lincecum and Braun up in the big leagues. Still not counting out team with Sheffield, Wells, and Ichiro in the OF.
  

19. St. Olaf (19)

• Despite numbers from Vlad, Jeter, Youkilis, Marquis, and Verlander, they're living up to their name and stinking.
  

20. Coram (17)

• They must be naughty boys because they keep getting spanked.
  

You Dead, Dawg

According to the St. Pete Times, everyone's favorite psychotic rookie, Elijah Dukes, is, well, as psychotic as ever. Seriously, as naive as it sounds, it still amazes me how consistently athletes can avoid jail time. Here's a link to the full article.

Dukes' wife, NiShea Gilbert, 26, a teacher at Beth Shields Middle School in Ruskin, told the court in another filing Thursday that her husband threatened to kill her and sent a photo of a handgun to her cell phone.

Here's the voice mail message he left his wife:

• "Hey, dawg. It's on, dawg. You dead, dawg. I ain't even bulls-------. Your kids too, dawg. It don't even matter to me who is in the car with you. N-----, all I know is, n-----, when I see your m-----f------- a-- riding, dawg, it's on. As a matter of fact, I'm coming to your m-----f------ house."

Power Report Hi-Jinx

In the innagural season of the NFSL every week has been a new experience. Some good & some well.....Let's move on. Out of all the bitching & complaining about sometimes petty stuff, I got a real legitimate complaint.

Those power reports you put out last week Frank were the equvalent to the Sports Illustrated Jinx. When you pissed off the Ridge Ducks, you woke a sleeping Big Papi & crew. Those guys cleaned the field with me.

Please I implore you put ME at the bottom this week. Maybe Ryan fat ass Howard & Alex pretty boy Gordon will start hitting the damn ball.

Maybe my 58 HR guy goin on the Dl with the rest of my scrubs aint such a bad thing. I keep sitting Overbay & he's the only healthy guy in the entire Toronto organization.

Another thing, someone let me know when my back-up catcher is gonna put up tremendous stats again so I could start him.

Damn it I hate that.

Power Rankings

1. Ninth Street Nine

• Faith in Barry has paid off, but it's the kids like Rich Hill and Kelly Johnson leading the Grandmaster of Fantasy's comeback tour.

2. Hampton Bay Bambinos

• Surprise of the young season. 3/4 of his rotation on the DL? Ryan Howard and #1 overall draft pick Alex Gordon taking the month off? Who cares as long as Slammin Sammy's in the lineup.

3. Nassau Chin Music

• Loss of top prospect Phil Hughes a downer, but Jose Reyes and a lights out bullpen have opened up a huge 11 game lead.

4. Simpsonville Slayers

• Lackey and Haren pulling David Wright's weight so far, but loss of Joe Mauer has to hurt in the cut-throat Cool Papa Bell Division.

5. Setauket Horde

• Jimmy Rollins is tearing it up and everyone else is doing a little bit of everything.
  

6. Shaolin Empire

• Overall stats impressive, but tough match-ups taking their toll.
  

7. Bay Ridge Wapdagos

• A-Rod proving to be most underpaid player in league as he's carried team to tie for first in tight Doby.

8. Mattituck Natives

• Ted Lilly and Josh Beckett have been aces on the mound. Only a matter of time before farm stud Billy Butler is entrenched in OF.

9. Philadelphia Kane Nines

• The most active front office in the league pulled off what may be the coup of the year: JJ Hardy for Sean Casey.

10. Westphalia Shepherds

• Top pick Chris Young playing almost exactly as expected, showing power and speed and a low average.
  

11. Kohler Toilet

• Three words: Pujols is coming.

12. Riverhead Red Streaks

• Pulled the trigger for Chipper. Now needs to light a fire under everyone else.
  

13. Laurel Leathernecks

• Josh Hamilton has been an amazing story...oh, who are we kidding--did you see Dice-K's last start?

14. New Libertatia Swashbucklers

• While waiting for next year, this year doesn't look so far out of reach. Will they make a move or hold course?

15. Browntown Fudge Dragons

16. North Babylon Generals

• Really not a bad team. Still time for big money guys to step up. Team to watch.

17. Coram Crushers

• Offense was a question mark, but really hurt by Mariano Rivera and Carlos Zambrano's slow starts and that BJ Ryan injury really stings.

18. Pequash Panthers

• If only they had Brad Hawpe they might be 17th on the list.

19. St. Olaf Dutch Ovens
20. Ridge Ducks

• Two teams, four owners, a combined 38 games back. But, it's only May. Walk it off.
  

Ok

Bill is right, I apoligize. No more rants.

Enough Already!

Two owners going back and forth insulting one another is not going to solve anything. Everyone knows there has been problems with the site. Tom is very aware of this and is working to fix it. Be patient and most of all be civil.

Commishioner

Bud, if Tom is the commishioner then let him be the commish, it sounds to me like you are running things. Who chose the rules? Who chose the stat service? Who has said no to suggested changes or improvements? Will you answer any of these questions? Probably not. You have not answered many of my questions in prior rants. Instead u turn it around and make me out to have the problem. Why dont u answer my questions? Please go back and read my prior rants and answer those questions. Well, maybe I do have problems but that is my concern not yours. Your concern as C0-commisioner is getting this league running right not my mental health. Is it supposed to frighten me that you are being so controlled in your responses to my rants? What is that supposed to mean? A threat? That makes me laugh. As for the homophobe statement, that really makes me laugh. I could care less what anyones sexuality is. But I would rather not have it pushed in my face with photos of beefcake shots like u posted. Keep those on your bedroom walls. You make a statement about that but "mum is the word when someone else on this site is throwing around racist words and ideas"? Now excuse me while I go watch sesame street. By the way what is a preposition? You are a funny dude!!

ESPN problems

BUD, in reference to ESPN, they refunded all money back to participants when they had problems this year. Is the stat/league service you chose refunding our leagues money? Can u even get in touch with the guy? ESPN sent daily emails letting participants know what was going on. All I got from you was half naked pictures of Pat Burrell. When I was in the military we had a "dont ask, dont tell policy". Lets try that here. GEORGE STEINBOKINA

grandstanding

Frank (otherwise known as BUD) its not grandstanding or whining when its true. Your skipping along with your ridiculous posts like nothing is wrong when so far there's been a ton of shit wrong. It gets frustrating when you are running this league like you are king and all the other owners are a bunch of court jesters. Part of me is actually starting to get some satisfaction at watching things screw up because I know its all you to blame. I dont know you so I dont give a shit in saying what I believe is true. I dont know why the other owners aren't complaining. Maybe its because they are friends and dont want to hurt your obviously very sensitive feelings. But then again maybe they are. You wouldnt tell anyone if they were because this is a perfect league, right? BUD, take the constructive criticism while the league can still be fixed. As for not going to you or Tom directly, I have gone to Tom and he knows and has known exactly how I feel. The reason I am blogging these thoughts is because I am wondering if anyone else feels the same way. Like I said maybe its just me, but I have been told its not just me. I think thats why an important email is coming out Friday or Saturday. I look forward to your response where you will use big words with references to garbage I could care less about and to be honest half the time don't even understand. Please, BUD use those big words so you show how much smarter you are than all of us courtjesters. I implore you, listen to others and fix the league. I know Tom has put a ton of work into this and alot of heart and soul, don't ruin it by being stubborn. Your pal, GEORGE STEINBOKINA (a dumb polish kid from dumb polish farmers just trying to run a fantasy baseball team)

Bad Mojo

Missed this, probably because I had other things on my mind, but at least we're not alone in the fantasy universe. Not that it makes anyone feel better. Must be something in the water at La Rotisserie Francaise.

HELP!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

It might just be me, but the web-site that is supposed to be keeping track of our league stats and scores is not showing up-to-date scores and stats for our current two week scoring period. Is this just a rough period or this a season long problem? Frank your blogs are "cute" and "creative" but how about some up-to-date information on the status of what the hell is going on with the stat web site. I apoligize in advance if its just me not knowing how to utilize the web site, but I am getting FRUSTRATED. Maybe its because I started Dimitri Young instead of Prince Fielder this period. Signed A Frustrated, concerned Owner.

Pat the Bat

Another Philly story, but I had to pass this along. From Deadspin.com:

The biggest jolt to the Phillies lineup this year, however, has to be Pat Burrell's engagement. The stories of Burrell's swordsmanship are legendary in the Philadelphia area. You can't bump into somebody within a 50-mile radius of Philadelphia who doesn't have a story. They all start the same: At a club, usually involving a 20-something stunner sidling up at the bar, then, enter ... the Bat. Next thing you know, she's got herself box seats behind home plate and is hanging out with Burrell and Jason Michaels 'til 4 a.m. doing kamikaze shots down the Jersey Shore. One friend-of-a-friend story included Pat leaving her a present the next day after one drunken libidinous night with The Bat -- his Valtrex. But an even more vintage Bat story is this second-hand gem:

The story goes: A few guys were on a business trip in Pittsburgh. A couple of the guys knew the Phils were in town, so when they all spotted Burrell at a club there one night, it wasn't a total surprise. Pat ended up taking a liking to one of the girls in their group. She thought he was hot but didn't follow baseball. He took her back to his hotel room, and a make-out session ensued until she alerted Pat that she would NOT do him. Not fazed by this, Burrell seemed to respect her chastity, and rather than force himself on her or fly into a blueball rage, he asked a simple question, glancing down at his engorged pants: "Mind if I take care of business?"

The horrified woman didn't stay the night, letting Pat, take care of his business on his own.

First Couple of Philadelphia

If anyone's interested, here's a pic of the loving couple.

It's the City of Brotherly Love--no one ever said anything about wives. Ben Franklin was a swinging bachelor, after all.

Philly-Shaolin Swish Players

The trade pistons are pumping as the Empire has struck again acquiring 1B/OF Nick Swisher and RP Jorge Julio from the Kane Nines for new RP Brett Myers and 3B Adrian Beltre. The long-haired playboy slugger (left, scoring) adds much needed thump to the Shaolin offense, while Myers gives Philly another Phillie to cry over up close and personal. When asked to comment on his new employer, Myers declined to comment before returning to beating his wife.

Huge Trade (At Least Half the Trade)

In a late night deal that will not immediately impact either team, the Coram Crushers and the Shaolin Empire swapped injured Cy Young winners, Bartolo Colon and Pedro Martinez. Colon, who can by now fit 2 Pedros and 1 Ramon Martinez in his pant leg, celebrated the news by eating his agent.